That Moment I Realized Something Was Off
Alright, so picture this: I'm sitting at my desk, Sunday evening, planning my entire week down to the freakin' minute. Work blocks, gym sessions, meal prep times, even scheduling when to call my mom. My Google Calendar looked like a rainbow-colored war zone. Felt super productive, right? Yeah, that's what I thought too. Until Wednesday hit. By mid-week, I felt like a robot. Everything was efficient, but joy? Nah, vanished. Just going through the motions. That rigid structure I loved? Suddenly felt like a straightjacket. Major wake-up call.
Time for a Change – Messing With the Formula
Okay, panic mode activated. Something had to give. I started reading about this whole Apollonian (order, logic, plans – yeah, that was me!) versus Dionysian (spontaneity, feeling, letting loose) thing. Lightbulb moment. My life was 110% Apollonian. Needed to inject some Dionysian juice, stat. But how?
Here's the scrappy, messy process I actually tried:
- First Try: The Rigid Fun Schedule (Epic Fail): Yeah, I know, idiot move. Tried scheduling "fun time" and "chill moments" – 7:30-8:00 PM: Experience joy. Seriously? Felt more forced than fun. Total disaster.
- Micro-Spontaneity Test: Scrapped the schedule. Instead, during my usual rigid lunch break, I literally just stopped work 10 minutes early. Walked outside, no phone. Just stared at some clouds like I hadn't seen them in years. Felt weirdly great. Simple, but a start.
- The Calendar Hack: Kept the essential work blocks, sure. But then I deliberately carved out one 90-minute block on Saturday and labeled it . No plan. Zero. The rule? When that time hits, I have to do whatever pops into my head first (within reason, obviously!). One week I painted terribly. Another, I just napped hard. Point was, no planning allowed.
- Impulse Moments: Started small, like driving home from work. Instead of autopilot mode, I’d see a park and pull over. Walk for 5 minutes. Just because. Or buying a random pastry just 'cause it looked good. Tiny rebellions against the plan.
Where I'm At Now (Still Messy!)
So, results? I'm definitely not "balanced." It's more like controlled chaos. Some days the planner still wins. Some days, that block is the best part.
The big realizations?
- Dionysian isn't all partying: For me? It’s stopping to actually taste my coffee instead of chugging it while checking emails. Small stuff.
- Structure Needs Gaps: That rigid calendar strangles life. Leaving deliberate gaps is non-negotiable now. Even if I just stare at the wall.
- Feeling Weird is Okay: Sitting with boredom, doing something totally unproductive? Feels super uncomfortable at first. Like I'm wasting time. But it gets easier. That discomfort? Probably the feeling of being alive, not just efficient.
Am I suddenly some perfectly balanced zen master? Hell no. It's clunky. I forget sometimes. But actively choosing to sprinkle in those messy, unplanned moments? Feels like I'm learning to breathe again, instead of just ticking boxes. It’s a practice, not perfect. Still figuring it out as I go.
