So last Tuesday I was scrolling through some old philosophy quotes online, right? And suddenly this Nietzsche line pops up: "If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." Man, it got stuck in my head like an annoying song. What the heck does that even MEAN practically? Felt like one of those "deep" Instagram captions that sounds cool but nobody actually gets. Decided I needed to wrestle with this thing myself, not just read other people's explanations.
Starting Simple and Getting Weirded Out
Grabbed my notebook, honestly feeling kinda silly. First step: just stared at the phrase. Wrote it down ten times, trying to feel it. "If YOU gaze..." Felt weirdly personal after a while. Then I tried literally gazing at actual dark things. Sat in my pitch-black closet for twenty minutes. Just dark, quiet emptiness. Freaked me out a little – started imagining shapes, hearing weird little noises my house makes. My own breathing sounded loud. Felt... watched? Maybe that sounds crazy, but that creepy feeling was kinda the point. Noticed my palms were sweaty when I came out. Jotted that down.
Next day, tried something less creepy. Went to a huge, empty car park late at night. Faced a big, dark corner under flickering streetlights – my "light abyss" I guess. Stood there staring into that shadowy space. And man, that feeling came back. Like the darkness wasn't just empty; it was like a presence staring right back. Made my neck prickle. Wrote down how I felt: vulnerable, exposed, totally seen even though nobody was there. Weird as hell.
Connecting It to Real Stuff I Hate
Couldn't shake the feeling though. Needed to see if this "abyss" thing connected to real life. Thought about things I really don't like looking at. Scrolled through news headlines about wars, disasters, nasty politics – stuff I usually skip past quick. Made myself read the detailed articles this time. Felt heavy. Angry. Hopeless even. That was my "abyss." And staring into that nastiness? Felt it messing with my own mood. Got snappy with my partner over nothing later. The crap I was looking at definitely started looking back, turning my insides sour. Logged that reaction.
Also forced myself to think about my own screw-ups. Times I messed up at work or hurt someone. Things I usually shove into the mental basement. Dug one out and actually stared at it mentally. Felt awful – shame, regret, all that gross stuff. But then... it felt like the memory itself was pushing back, defining me in that moment as just that mistake. Like I became the screw-up because I was focused on it. Definitely felt the "gaze back" effect – the bad thing started shaping how I saw myself.
The Lightbulb Moment (Kind Of)
By Thursday, I was mentally fried but buzzing. Sat with all my scribbles and weird experiences. The pattern slapped me: it’s not really about literal darkness. It’s about the dangerous stuff we focus on. Obsessing over negativity? It warps your view, makes you negative. Dwelling on darkness? You become darker. Fixating on an enemy? You start mirroring them.
My simple experiment wound up teaching me: What you stare at hard enough becomes part of you. It seeps in. Changes you. The "abyss" staring back? Yeah, it's your own mind reflecting that darkness you've been studying. Realized I need to be way more careful about what I choose to fixate on – the news, past mistakes, other people's drama. It ain't passive. It bites back. Finished my notebook feeling... kinda warned. Not in a scary way, but in a useful, "pay attention dude" way. Still chewing on it.
