So last month my dumb face got plastered everywhere after that viral noodle shop video. Woke up to 500k notifications – weibo blew up, douyin flooded, even my grandma’s neighbors knew I exist. Panic mode ON. Grabbed three coffees and started damage control. Here’s how I didn’t completely drown:
Step 1: Pulled The Freaking Plug
First thing? Silence. Killed all notifications on my phone. Like, murdered them dead. Couldn’t think straight with that endless ding-ding-ding. Turned off WeChat moments, uninstalled Weibo for a week. Just me and my cat staring at each other in blessed silence.
Step 2: Hired A Guy Who Hates Small Talk
Found this stone-faced PR dude through a friend of a cousin. His vibe? "Talk to me and lose a finger." Perfect. Paid him to handle all the nonsense – brand deals begging for collabs, reporters camping outside my apartment building. He just grunts and sends them packing. Worth every penny.
Step 3>Went Full Digital Hermit Mode
Changed my online handles everywhere. Not clever, just random numbers and letters. Made all socials private or nuked them entirely. Started fresh accounts under fake cat names. Posted ZERO personal stuff for weeks. Let the old accounts gather digital dust while I hid in my Batcave.
Step 4>The "I Don't Know You" Face (Plus Accessories)
Going outside sucked. People pointing phones felt like being hunted. Solution? Big-ass hoodies and cheap face masks. Mastered the "who? me?" blank stare. Carried a terrible reusable grocery bag everywhere – instant invisibility cloak. Look like a boring NPC? Yes. Gets me home without strangers wanting selfies? Also yes.
Step 5>Scheduled My Meltdowns
Couldn’t keep bottling the crazy. Started forcing myself to have one hour a week to just… lose it. Yell into pillows, eat questionable junk food, write angry rants then delete them immediately. Let it all out. Then, back to pretending I’m a normal human. Weirdly effective.
Still figuring it out. Sometimes still get recognized buying toilet paper. But hey, less drowning, more treading water. Mostly.
