So You Wanna Know About Medieval King Fights?
Okay so yesterday I was reorganizing my bookshelf and this dusty old history book falls on my foot - hurt like hell! The title's all faded but I could still make out "Medieval Warfare" on the cover. Got me thinking: how'd those kings actually win battles? Grabbed some coffee and went down this rabbit hole for like five hours straight.
First thing I did was hit up my local library. The old dude at the reference desk gives me this squinty look like "Kid thinks he's gonna understand Agincourt?" Whatever. Scooped up three chonky books with armor pictures on the covers. Way too heavy to carry home but my stubborn ass did it anyway.
The Grind of Battle Research
Started reading about William the Conqueror - that dude was wild! Picture this: 1066, England's beaches packed with angry locals throwing rocks. William's boys are puking their guts out from seasickness. He jumps out screaming "MORE LAND FOR EVERYONE!" and accidentally faceplants into wet sand. Soldiers started laughing so he grabs two fistfuls of mud like "SEE? I ALREADY OWN THIS DIRT!" Morale instantly fixed.
- Learning #1: Kings tripped over their own swords ALL. THE. TIME.
- Learning #2: Most "glorious cavalry charges" were actually drunk guys falling off horses
Then I find this crazy story about Richard the Lionheart. Supposedly this badass warrior king right? Turns out he spent the Third Crusade constantly needing the bathroom. Chronic diarrhea! His secret battle tactic? Park his army upwind so the enemy would smell his camp toilets and nope out. Legit strategy - worked against Saladin's troops twice!
Got super into castle siege research next. Kept imagining those huge catapults launching boulders... but nah. Primary sources show they mostly threw dead animals and spoiled cheese. One knight's diary described getting knocked unconscious by a moldy goat head - didn't even die from it!
My Big Realization
After cross-referencing like a dozen sources, I finally get it. All those "epic history-changing battles" basically came down to:
- Whichever king brought more snacks
- Which army had better shoemakers (blisters lost SO many wars)
- Pure accident - like that time French knights drowned in puddles because their armor was too heavy
Found this hilarious tax record showing Henry V spent more on hair pomade than arrows! Makes sense though - imagine trying to recruit soldiers with receding hairline energy?
The Aftermath
My living room's now covered in messy notes and coffee stains. Wife came home like "Why's there a drawing of beheaded Charles IV in the fridge?" Oops. But honestly? Those kings weren't majestic heroes - just stubborn dudes with terrible fashion sense trying not to get murdered over farmland. Whole "shaping history" thing? More like stumbling through history while avoiding dysentery and flying cheese projectiles.
Gotta return these library books tomorrow. Might sneak photocopies of the hairy mole removal pages though - medieval medical practices are NEXT week's obsession.
