Okay, so this Praetoriaanse Garde thing popped into my head last Tuesday. Dunno why, maybe saw some old Roman movie clip. Point is, I decided, right then, I wanted to try and build something that felt like one of those ancient Roman guard helmets. Not super accurate, mind you, just the vibe. Heavy, imposing, maybe a bit fancy.
Figuring Out the Mess
First thought? Cardboard. Always cardboard for testing shapes. Grabbed an old Amazon box, scissors, tape. Started hacking away, trying to get that distinct shape right – the big neck guard at the back, the brow bit sticking out, cheek pieces. Looked ridiculous on my head. More like a lopsided bucket. Took like three tries, crumpling it up each time, yelling at the cardboard. Finally got a shape that didn't make me look completely insane.
Then came the real problem: what to actually build it with?
- Metal? No way. Way too heavy. Way too expensive. Plus, I don’t weld.
- Real Leather? Expensive again. And honestly, the smell while working it? Nah.
- Paper Mache? Maybe… but worried it’d look too much like a kindergarten project.
- EVA Foam? Ding ding ding! Okay, maybe not perfect, but affordable, easy-ish to cut, and sturdy enough.
Found some thick black EVA foam tiles online. Ordered them. Waited. FedEx guy looked at me funny when I met him grinning at the door. Worth it.
Cutting Things Up (Literally)
Right. Got the foam tiles. Now what? Printed out my cardboard pattern pieces. Traced those suckers onto the foam tiles using a white crayon. Grabbed my sharpest utility knife and a heavy-duty cutting mat. Started slicing. Man, that foam fights back. Blunt blades are your enemy here. Needed constant pressure, careful curves. Snapped a blade halfway through slicing the big curving brow piece. Almost cried. Swore. Put on a new blade. Kept going.
Ended up with a pile of black foam shapes looking nothing like a helmet. Felt like crap.
Gluing and Cussing
Now to glue it. Used contact cement. Smells like gasoline soaked in regret. You know the drill: coat both sides, wait till tacky, then BAM! – stick 'em together. Sounds simple. Wasn't.
Trying to line up that curve where the brow meets the main dome? Holy moly. Held it for what felt like an hour. Praying it wouldn't slip. My fingers stuck together twice. Pulled them apart painfully. Dropped the brow piece once. Cement already tacky. Got cat hair on it. Used swear words I haven't said since my Army days.
Slowly, messily, it started coming together. Attached the neck guard. Added the cheek pieces – those kept wanting to fold inward, not outward. Taped them in place while the cement cured. Looked like Frankenstein's monster wearing duct tape.
Making It Look Like Metal (Sort Of)
Okay, basic shape done. Ugly, but done. Now to make black foam look like metal. Sounds dumb. Probably is.
- First: Smeared a thin layer of flexible wood filler over the main surfaces. Sanded it when dry. Made it smoother but still very obviously foam.
- Second: Painted the whole dang thing with silver metallic acrylic paint. Looked like cheap kids' plastic. Worse than expected. Heart sank.
- Third: Panicked slightly. Remembered grime makes things look old. Mixed black and brown acrylic paint with water. Slathered it over everything, especially the seams and crevices. Immediately wiped most off with a rag. Left the crud where I wanted it. Boom. Suddenly it looked weathered. Like real metal covered in ancient gunk.
- Fourth: Added highlights. Dry-brushed a brighter silver over the high points. Suddenly the "metal" started to shine through the grime. Looks kinda believable from 3 feet away!
Stuck some red craft foam inside the neck guard for the "lining" look. Hot-glued it in. Burnt my finger.
The "Praetoriaanse Garde" Part
Okay, helmet is... a thing. Need to make it Praetorian. That usually means fancy crests or plumes. Didn't want feathers. Too messy. Remembered some pictures showing almost vertical crests running front to back.
Found an old plastic ruler. Cut a strip of red craft foam the same width. Used E6000 glue to stick the foam strip along the top center of the ruler. Glued thin red ribbons hanging down each side at the front (looked kinda like horsehair). Then glued the ruler-plume contraption down the center of the helmet dome. Weighed it down with cans of beans while it cured overnight. Prayed.
Done (Is Anything Ever Done?)
Took the beans off this morning. Glue held. Plume wobbles a bit but stays on. Put the whole mess on my head. It’s heavy! Uncomfortable! Can barely see sideways. Looks absolutely ridiculous standing there in my cluttered basement.
But... staring at it now? It actually feels kinda like I imagined. Heavy, imposing, old, a bit fancy. The grimy silver paint, the red plume, the neck guard – it hints at Praetorian. Is it accurate? Not even close. Is it practical? No way. Does it look cool sitting on my old mannequin head? Heck yeah!
Would I ever wear it out? Maybe on Halloween. Probably not. But the process? Figuring out the shape, battling the foam, the glue disasters, the paint epiphany... that's the fun part. It exists because I got a random bug up my butt and saw it through. Ugly, imperfect, totally impractical, but mine. A basement Praetorian guard, built with sweat, glue, and stubbornness. Sometimes the stupid projects are the best ones.
