Ever had that weird feeling? Like you look in the mirror and the person staring back isn't quite... you? Yeah, I've been there. Spent a good chunk of time feeling like a bad actor in my own life. It’s a strange place to be, and it took me a while to even figure out what was going on, let alone how to get out of it.
So, What Kicked This Off?
For me, it really ramped up when I landed this job, years ago. Big place, lots of "important" people. Everyone had this super polished, almost robotic way about them. You know, the "yes-man" culture, always agreeing, always "positive" even when things were a total mess. I thought, "Okay, this is how it's done here." So, I started doing it too. Put on the smile, nodded at everything, buried my own thoughts deep down. Big mistake.
I remember sitting in meetings, just parroting what I thought the boss wanted to hear. My actual opinions? Locked away. My real personality? Hidden. I became this super agreeable, never-rock-the-boat version of myself. And honestly, I think a lot of folks there were doing the same thing. We were all playing a part.
The Slow Crawl Back to Myself
It wasn't an overnight fix, not by a long shot. It was more like a slow, fumbling process. Here’s kinda how it went down for me:
- First, the Uh-Oh Moment: I started feeling incredibly drained. Not just tired, but like my battery was always at 1%. I'd come home and just stare at the wall. That’s when I really started to think, "This ain't right. This ain't me." I realized I was miserable trying to be someone else.
- Paying Attention: I began to consciously notice how I felt. When did I feel fake? When did I feel that knot in my stomach? Usually, it was when I was about to say "yes" to something I hated, or when I bit my tongue instead of speaking my mind. I actually started making little mental notes. Sounds silly, but it helped.
- Baby Steps with "No": This was the hard part. I started small. Saying "no" to extra tasks I genuinely didn't have time for, instead of my usual, "Sure, no problem!" while secretly dying inside. Or, if someone asked my opinion, I'd try to give my real one, even if it was a bit different. Terrifying at first, not gonna lie.
- Dealing with the Fallout (or Lack Thereof): I expected fireworks when I started being more real. Sometimes people were a bit surprised, yeah. A few folks probably didn't like it. But mostly? The world didn't end. Some people actually seemed to respect it more. That was a shocker.
- Finding My Actual Voice Again: The more I practiced, the easier it got. It was like exercising a muscle I hadn't used in years. I started to remember what I actually liked, what I believed in, what my own damn opinions were. It felt like waking up.
It wasn't about being a jerk or suddenly becoming confrontational. It was just about being honest. About not selling myself out every single day. I had to learn that my worth wasn't tied to how much I could contort myself to fit other people's expectations.
Where I Am Now
Looking back, that whole period was rough. But I learned a ton. I learned that trying to be someone you're not is exhausting and, frankly, a waste of time. You end up not fooling anyone as much as you fool yourself. It’s like wearing shoes that are two sizes too small – sure, they might look good to someone else, but you’re the one dealing with the blisters.
Now, I make a real effort to just be... me. Sometimes that means I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and that's okay. It's way better than being a watered-down version of what I think someone else wants. It's still a work in progress, always will be, I guess. But at least now, when I look in the mirror, I mostly recognize the guy staring back. And that’s a pretty good feeling.
